


What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

by chibi_zoe



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Disability, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:09:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4373168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chibi_zoe/pseuds/chibi_zoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a terrorist attack irrevocably changes the course of their lives, Goujun, Kenren & Tenpou need to find something else to do with their lives.	<br/>Warnings: Character with a permanent disability</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

Title: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger  
Author:   
Rating: R  
Pairing: Tenpou x Goujun x Kenren   
Disclaimer: I do not own Saikuyi, I’m just playing in the sandbox.   
Summary: After a terrorist attack irrevocably changes the course of their lives, Goujun, Kenren & Tenpou need to find something else to do with their lives.   
Warnings: Character with a permanent disability   
Author's notes: Apologies for any medical inaccuracies, I have done my best with the information I had available. I have also knowingly skipped over a lot of mental angst and PTSD. I hope you enjoy it anyway. 

Prompt: The correlation of bad ideas and good times. 

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger 

Goujun woke up screaming, the echoes of the explosion that had decimated his troops and irrevocably changed his life still echoing in his ears. The nurse rushed in, as she did every time he had a nightmare, and checked his stats. He watched impassively as she deftly untangled the blankets from around his legs. The top layer was a crocheted masterpiece donated by one of the new widows, she’d made it for her husband originally, but told him with teary eyes that she’d rather he have it as he was going to get more use out of it. 

“Better?” She asked, indefatigably cheerful as she patted his left foot. She was a good nurse and Goujun appreciated her immeasurably, but sometimes her chipper attitude really got on his nerves. He tried his best not to take it out on her and, not trusting himself to speak civilly, nodded his agreement. She sensed his irritability and left him to it, her rubber soled shoes squeaking softly with each small step. He felt a surge of gratitude for her sensitiveness and resolved to have Kenren buy her something nice on his behalf.

He tried for the millionth time to move his feet but as always they refused to respond. He could see them clearly with his eyes, but he couldn’t feel them and he couldn’t make them move. The shrapnel injury to his lower back had irreparably damaged his spinal cord and he was doomed to spend the remainder of his life in a wheelchair. He was trying to stay positive, but it was an hourly struggle and one that he frequently lost. Kenren’s twice daily visits were the only bright points in his current existence and he treasured them. 

** -- ** -- **

Tenpou happily pressed the button on the control panel and raised the bed head so that he was in a sitting position. The nurse helped him to swing his legs over the edge of the bed and supported him whilst he slowly stood up. The exertion left him sweating and gasping in pain. He pushed through it, staying as still as possible until the waves of agony subsided. His internal injuries had been severe but survivable and today was a milestone. He was going to put aside his bedpan and use the toilet for the first time since the blast. It was a measure of what his life had become that such an activity was something he had been looking forward to all week.

“There’s the emergency call button.” The nurse said briskly as he pointed out the enormous red plastic button, clearly emblazoned with ‘emergency’ in white block letters. “I’ll be just outside the door if you need me.”

“Thanks.” Tenpou said with a small smile as the man closed the bathroom door behind him. He wasn’t going to jeopardise his recovery by taking silly risks, the threat of being here even longer than he had to be was more than enough motivation to obey his nurses’ softly given commands. 

If everything went well here now, Tenpou was hoping he’d be allowed to use the shower in the evening. Sponge baths had sounded like fun when he’d been whole and hearty, but in reality they weren’t. They were embarrassing, often painful and invariably left him feeling cold and exhausted. Kenren had laughed himself sick when Tenpou had confessed this to him and promised to make it up to him when he recovered. 

** -- ** -- **

Kenren grimaced as a student nurse removed one of his dressings, the adhesive pulling painfully at his skin. It was one of many and each one had to be carefully removed and the wound beneath carefully inspected. He was in for a long morning, but hopefully some of the students would be open to some harmless flirtation. Anything to take his mind off the pain.

“How are you feeling today, General?” The head nurse asked, her faded khaki uniform baggy and unflattering. Her touch was efficient and professional, her manner with her students brusque and to the point. 

“Better now that I’ve been graced with your lovely presence.” He tried for a flirtatious smile but was thwarted by a student pressing down carelessly onto a particularly deep and painful wound. He grimaced but refrained from making any noise. He couldn’t wait to get out of here and admitting to any kind of pain almost guaranteed a longer stay than necessary. The fact that he’d had hundreds of pieces of shrapnel removed from his body was immaterial as far as he was concerned, he would live and that was all that mattered. What he was going to do when he was finally released was tomorrow’s problem, and not one for him alone to determine. 

** -- ** -- **

“I’ve got a great idea.” Tenpou announced as soon as he shuffled through the open door, his orange and white striped pyjama bottoms showing below his fluffy blue dressing gown and puddling over his ugly green slippers. Kenren, also dressed in hospital issued orange and white striped pyjamas and sitting comfortably on the foot of Goujun’s bed looked up with a quizzical expression. “About what?” He said. 

“About what we should do when we get out of here.” The tone of Tenpou’s voice indicated he thought that there wasn’t anything else worth considering. It was a valid point. None of them had family to take them in and none of them had a home of their own to go to, they all lived in barracks and always had for as long as they’d known each other, it was one of the things that had fuelled their unlikely friendship.

“I just found out that I had a Great Aunt.” Goujun quirked up an eyebrow, not seeing how this was any kind of solution. “It turns out that she just died and left me a country house.” Goujun quirked up the other eyebrow in surprise. “We should move in together.” Tenpou finished with a smile and Goujun felt his jaw drop in pure astonishment. At his feet, Kenren looked as startled as he felt. They’d lived together in barracks, but alone together in a private house was something rather different, more intimate somehow.

“Of course the house probably needs some work, she was 85 and lived by herself.” Tenpou said. “But it would give us all something to do.” 

“Something to do?” Goujun started incredulously. “I still need help with basic tasks, how could I help renovate a house?” 

“I agree with the Commander, Tenpou.” Kenren said quietly. “He can’t walk, you can’t lift anything heavier than a cup of coffee and I’m still held together with sticky tape and stitches.” 

Tenpou looked confused by their lack of excitement at his grand idea. He stood there beside the bed, blinking slowly behind his glasses and looking like his puppy had just died. Goujun knew he was going to capitulate. He always did. Kenren turned to look at him and Goujun could see the same thoughts running through his mind. He wondered briefly, as he had before, how Tenpou had come to have such a hold over the both of them. 

** -- ** -- **

“Well, this is it.” Tenpou said, gesturing grandly at the dilapidated old house revealed before them. It was standing alone in an overgrown meadow, a few elderly outbuildings lurking behind it. There were no neighbours close by and they hadn’t seen any other vehicles on the long, rough and badly rutted road they’d driven slowly and somewhat painfully down.

“Peachy.” Kenren said dryly as he put the old truck into park and turned it off. He hopped out and headed around to get Goujun’s wheelchair. Tenpou helped him lift their commander out of the truck and wheel him towards their new home. It was heavy going as the chair wasn’t really designed for such overgrown terrain and it nearly overturned several times. There were three steps up to the front porch and it took Kenren a lot of effort to get both Goujun and his chair up them. 

“I think a ramp is going to be our first priority.” Kenren huffed out as he stretched his back. Tenpou couldn’t help but notice that his tight black Metallica t-shirt was very short and his revealed skin was very pale in comparison.

“Open the door Field Marshall.” Goujun said in a sharp voice and Tenpou regretfully dragged his eyes away from the tempting sight and dug the key out of his pocket. It was old fashioned and very big. It also took several goes to get it to turn and when it finally did, he found that the door was stuck fast in the frame. 

“Give him a hand General.” Goujun was definitely short tempered this afternoon, Tenpou mused as Kenren moved forward to grasp hold of the door handle; he was probably overdue for his meds. 

“Holy shit!” Kenren’s exclamation drew his attention and he looked through the open doorway. The hallway was filled with piles and piles of old newspapers, stacked floor to ceiling and leaving only the narrowest of gaps to squeeze through. There was no way in hell that Goujun’s wheelchair was going to fit through. His heart sank like a stone, so much for his grand idea.

** -- ** -- **

Kenren couldn’t think of a single thing to say. He and Tenpou had left Goujun sitting in his wheelchair on the front porch and had ventured into the house. Every room was full of stuff, some of it identifiable but most of it not. A dreadful smell wafted from the direction in which Kenren presumed the kitchen was. He’d smelt some truly terrible things in his life and he didn’t want to think about what might contaminating the house they were somewhat gingerly exploring. 

“I’m going to check out the sheds.” Kenren eventually told Tenpou, who was looking around with a lost expression. “Maybe they’ll be habitable.” He wasn’t holding out a great deal of hope though. 

His fears were borne out when he saw the piles of junk through the shed window. There were three rusted hulks of cars in the grass around what had presumably been the garage and the door was held open by a spill of unidentifiable rusted metal objects. Dejected, he returned to the front porch to find Goujun alone and fuming. 

“Why did we ever agree to this Kenren?” Goujun asked him, clearly wondering what on earth they were going to do now. Kenren didn’t have an answer for him and only shook his head wordlessly. Tenpou then stepped out of the doorway, brushed the worst of the dust from his trousers, and made a half-hearted effort to slam the door shut. 

“It’s a grand old place under the clutter.” He said as though the floor to ceiling piles of garbage in every visible space were the same as a few piles of old books lying about the place. Goujun was speechless.

** -- ** -- **

“I brought a tent.” Kenren announced into the uncomfortable silence, his words falling like stones tossed into a bottomless well.

“A tent?” Goujun repeated, clearly having had to count to ten in his head and his words still vibrating with barely suppressed anger. Paraplegia and camping certainly didn’t sound like smooth bedfellows. Tenpou kept his mouth firmly shut, it was always better to let Goujun and Kenren hash out their differences by themselves.

“It’s that or we drive back to town and stay in that dodgy hotel.” Tenpou watched Kenren and Goujun stare at each other, both contemplating the probable conditions of the hotel. It was a foregone conclusion that they would be staying in the tent really since tents were familiar territory and their gear was both clean and comfortable. 

“I’ll start dinner then shall I?” Tenpou said as Kenren carefully manoeuvred Goujun down the stairs. He got a pair of grunts in return that he took for ‘yes’ and followed them back to the truck. Pushing the wheelchair really showed off Kenren’s fine physique and Tenpou nearly tripped over a tangle of weeks in the overgrown yard by paying it too much attention.

On the flattest patch of ground Kenren erected their tent, Goujun sitting in his chair, watching and fairly simmering with angry impotence at his inability to help. Tenpou gathered up dry wood and kindling from the beneath nearby trees, dug a fire pit and started preparing dinner.

** -- ** -- **

Kenren helped him with his primitive toilette, his hands brisk and confident but his tone and manner as casually flirtatious as always. It effectively calmed Goujun’s jangled nerves. He’d only just been released from hospital, he was supposed to be recuperating somewhere clean and calm. He was reasonably sure his doctor was going to be very cross with him if he ever found out about this.

The next morning Goujun awoke to the scent of cigarette smoke and a quiet argument. Kenren and Tenpou, both bare-chested and flushed, were sharing a single cigarette, passing it back and forth in the same way that they traded hard words. Kenren was advocating that they rent a place in town and hire someone to clean the house out. Tenpou kept insisting that it wouldn’t take them that long to clean the house up – he was clearly very curious about the stuff that was in it.

Goujun sat up. Both men turned to face him, Tenpou drawing deeply on the cigarette as he did so. The aroma of frying bacon permeated the air, overpowering the scent of smoke. Goujun dragged himself forward, his legs getting in the way and catching on things as he did so. He settled himself against a rock set carefully beside the fire pit and breathed deeply. He was inordinately pleased that the others had let him move himself around without offering unnecessary help. Kenren handed him a cup of bitter coffee and a bacon sandwich. Tenpou blew a stream of smoke into his face. 

“I can bear a few days out here if you want to try and clean the place up.” He said to Tenpou before taking a bit of his breakfast. Kenren shot him an astonished look, and Tenpou a pleased one. It wasn’t the smartest choice he’d ever made, and it could have dangerous consequences, but it was this or sitting around being bored and watching daytime TV and he told them as much.

Tenpou looked at Kenren, who sighed. “Ok, we can stay, but we clearing out that little shed first.” He pointed at a small and rather ramshackle wooden structure set slightly apart from the other outbuildings. “We need somewhere clean and dry to set up while we deal with that.” That was clearly the main house. It looked much worse in the clear dawn light. 

** -- ** -- **

The small hut that Kenren had insisted that they clean out first was surprisingly homey. It had taken all day for them to empty the tiny space, barely bigger than an average bathroom, scrub it clean and apply a quick internal coat of white paint. The paint and paintbrush had been a surprise find inside the hut and it made an incredible difference. Goujun joked that all they needed now was a window to hang some lacy curtains in. 

The Commander was clearly feeling better today, probably because he’d been more useful than he’d thought he’d be. The hut was on ground level and his wheelchair easily moved in and out of the doorway, he’d been able to move things out of the hut by balancing them carefully on his lap and he’d easily been able to handle the hose once the room was empty. They were all filthy and sweaty, and the room reeked of paint fumes, but it was safe and dry. 

Tenpou drank deeply from the beer bottle that Kenren handed him, then passed it along to Goujun. He lit himself a cigarette and then handed it to Kenren after a couple of quick draws. They might be the smallest possible remnant of their former unit, but they were still a team and a good one at that. 

“I’ll take a load of junk to the dump tomorrow and pick up some things in town.” Tenpou said. Kenren hummed his agreement and Goujun nodded thoughtfully. 

“I’ll give you a list.” He said, taking another big mouthful of beer and then handing the bottle along to Kenren. Tenpou hoped there’d be some left by the time he got it back. 

“Who’s up for a shower?” Kenren asked cheerfully as he emptied the bottle and then pulled his dirty shirt over his head. Tenpou noticed Goujun looking at the spectacular musculature on display and smiled to himself. Clearly the fact that Goujun couldn’t feel anything below his hips hadn’t dulled his interest in their attractive colleague. He knew the feeling. He also knew that Kenren enjoyed inciting such desires in others, so he happily let his interest show on his face. 

** -- ** -- **

A week had passed and they’d managed to clear out all of the other outbuildings. Kenren had designated one of the dirt-floored sheds as a storage facility for the things that they thought were worth keeping, things that might be valuable or useful. They were carefully arranged on shelves at a height that Goujun could easily reach.

They were still camping out in the small hut but they’d found and started using a gas powered barbeque to cook their meals on and Tenpou had purchased a solar powered lamp in town to provide light for reading in the evenings. The mains power was still turned off, in case there were fire hazards inside the main house, so they were using a cooler to store their cold food. Luckily the amount of garbage they were clearing out required them to visit the municipal dump every day, so it hadn’t been a problem so far. The lack of a fully functional bathroom still presented daily problems though, especially for Goujun. 

The Commander still had his ups and downs, sometimes multiple times a day, but Kenren enjoyed helping him, even with the less than pleasant tasks. Tenpou still had to be careful about lifting things, but he was getting better every day. Kenren checked his abdomen every night, palpitating the area gently to check for tenderness. His muscles still felt firm, his skin was soft to the touch and he made the most delightfully breathy little noises beneath Kenren’s questing fingers. 

Goujun’s presence a mere arm’s length away, always watching interestedly beneath hooded eyes, only added to the intimate atmosphere. Kenren never quite felt like taking the next step, but he was inching closer and closer to his tipping point. Whenever he jerked off, generally at night, he was sure that his ears weren’t the only ones listening to the soft sounds his hand on his cock produced. He’d never yet caught Tenpou doing the same thing, though not through lack of trying, and he was pretty sure that Goujun couldn’t do it anymore, although he’d never quite got around to asking. For now he was content to let them play voyeur. 

** -- ** -- **

A solid month of hard work and the main house was finally clear. Goujun was astonished. The house was still in desperate need of renovating, but it was completely and utterly empty at long last. He wheeled himself along the beaten dirt path that ran from their little hut to the ramp Kenren had built him up into the house. Kenren and Tenpou were standing in the empty kitchen laughing quietly together as they smoked contentedly. They turned as one and smiled happily at him as he rolled through the door.

“I can’t believe we did it.” He said to them with a matching smile.

“Neither can I.” Kenren said. He’d done almost all of the heavy work himself, sweating up a storm but thankfully not injuring himself in any way. Goujun had moved a lot of stuff around using a little trolley that Kenren had rigged up for him, he’d also been responsible for keeping Tenpou on track. The Field Marshall had a terrible tendency to get caught up in the stuff that they’d pulled out of the house, flicking through the pages of books and poking through boxes and crates. 

They’d made a respectable amount of money selling some of the things that they’d salvaged, and swapped a few items to people in exchange for labour. Most of the locals that they’d met had been friendly enough, happy to talk about the past and to gossip about Tenpou’s strange Great Aunt and her cluttered house, especially after half a dozen beers or so. 

Friday night dinner at the pub had become a regular habit of theirs, doing their best to fit in to the community. They went to town on Saturday mornings and to church on Sunday’s. It was surreal at times, like living in a history book. Sometimes Goujun was surprised that there weren’t horses hitched to the rail in the main street. The fact that the main street did actually still have a horse hitching rail never ceased to amuse him. 

** -- ** -- **

Tenpou was exhausted. He leant back against Kenren’s supporting musculature and casually appropriated his cigarette. He drew deeply, the cherry glowing in the gloom, and breathed out slowly. Behind him, Kenren shifted slightly to resettle Tenpou’s weight. An arm slid around his waist and soft lips moved to nibble at his neck. He moaned softly and tilted his head away to give Kenren more room.

“You taste salty.” Kenren murmured against his neck, his lips tickling sensitive skin with every word. “Delicious.”

A hand was stealthily making its way up and under his shirt, caressing his scarred belly and carding through the thin hair that speckled his breast. Behind him he could feel Kenren’s burgeoning excitement. It matched his own. He took a final drag on the cigarette then pinched it out and tossed it into the garden. Turning his head, he set his lips against Kenren’s and breathed out. In response, Kenren’s hand dropped to the top of his trousers, his talented fingers questing lower. 

“Where’s Goujun?” He whispered when they broke apart.

“Right here.” A hoarse voice said from the darkness. Tenpou didn’t quite jump, but Kenren flinched violently against him. 

“Don’t stop on my behalf.” Goujun rasped, still hidden and clearly excited. 

Kenren apparently didn’t need to be asked twice, his fingers slid lower and tightened over Tenpou’s cock. He groaned out load at the pressure and pushed his hips forwards into Kenren’s grasp. It was exhilarating knowing that Goujun was watching their every move. Behind him Kenren was clearly just as excited, his cock was like an iron bar and he was radiating an intense amount of heat. 

“How does it feel?” Goujun whispered, more breath than voice.

“Like heaven.” Kenren responded instantly. His chest rumbled against Tenpou’s back and his hand started moving more quickly.

“His hands are callused and rough.” Tenpou began. “I can feel them as he moves his hand.” Kenren’s hand tightened, intensifying the feeling. “His cock is so hard against my ass, it’s like a missile.” Goujun groaned at his words. “His heart is pounding, I can feel it.” 

“Your cock is leaking on my fingers.” Kenren panted. “So hot and slippery.” His hips were moving against Tenpou’s ass in tiny little thrusts and Tenpou suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. He arched his back and let loose a deep throated roar of pleasure as he came like a freight train. 

** -- ** -- **

Goujun’s ears were still ringing when Kenren’s lips landed on his and his hand was pressed firmly against bulging flies. His fingers clenched automatically and Kenren groaned into his mouth. Tenpou’s fingers entwined with his as he fumbled the buttons open. Kenren’s mouth tasted of beer and ashes, and he was gasping for breath as Goujun and Tenpou took firm hold of him and quickly jerked him to completion.

Goujun’s heart was pounding in his chest and he was panting for breath as Kenren collapsed to his knees, taking Tenpou with him. He could barely believe that they’d finally done it.

“You’re hard!” Kenren said quite suddenly and Goujun looked down to see a broad backed hand caressing an obvious bulge in his trousers. Tenpou unzipped him. It was a bizarre situation. He could see his erection, he could see Kenren’s hand jerking it whilst Tenpou fondled his balls, but he couldn’t feel anything.

“Your balls are drawn up.” Tenpou said. “They feel firm and ripe.” 

“You’re so big.” Kenren said, clearly getting on board with Tenpou’s idea. “You fill my hand.” Looking down, Goujun could see Kenren’s fingers spread along his length, the flushed purple skin of his cock peeking out between his pale fingers. “So smooth and silky, and so slippery too.” Indeed a bead of liquid had gathered at the tip of cock and slowly dribbled down. “I bet you taste divine.” With those words, Kenren’s head dropped into Goujun’s lap and began bobbing up and down. 

“Oh God.” Tenpou’s words echoed through Goujun’s head. Kenren made a lewd slurping sound and suddenly Goujun felt ecstasy running through his body leaving him both breathless and boneless. He hadn’t really believed that he could still orgasm, despite all the experts saying that he could, his own experiments having proven fruitless in the past. 

“Delicious.” Kenren announced, sitting back on his heels and grinning lasciviously. There were wet streaks on his chin and he didn’t wipe them away. Tenpou did what Goujun wanted to and leaned over to kiss him. 

** -- ** -- **

With the renovations finally over, the three of them moved from their hut into the main house. They each had their own bedrooms but they’d set up the master suite as a space for all three of them. 

“I love what we’ve done with the place.” Kenren said, his fingers doodling mindless patterns on Goujun’s pale chest. The Commander laughed at his words and continued to card his fingers through Tenpou’s hair. “So do I.” He said at last with a smile. Tenpou grinned happily at his lovers, he’d always known that this project was just what they needed. It had just turned out to be a lot bigger than he’d expected.

Since that first night, nearly twelve months ago, they’d slowly moved forwards with their three-way relationship. There’d been complications, arguments and misunderstandings along the way, but they’d expected them. Kenren was hot-headed, Goujun uptight and Tenpou tended towards obliviousness, traits that they were more than familiar with in each other having worked together in the military for decades. Every time things got rough though, they’d worked through it and come out stronger for it.


End file.
